Why We Should Give Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown a Shot at Solving the Steroid Scandal

Alright, So Bud Selig didn't contact me with any praise anout my idea to enforce mandatory steroid usage in Major League Baseball. Come to think of it, he didn't call me back at all! What about the roses Bud? And the candlelit dinner. My God, the candlelit dinner, Bud!

My original plan would have made it a requirement for every athlete, in every sport's league, to stick a needle in their butt. If we can't test them to uncover the truth, and we can't get them to admit that they're taking steroids (even though we know they are), then it only makes sense to require everyone to take them. This way, everyone is elevates his performance to the level of those who are taking them. I call it the 'Athletic Communist Steroid' plan. Then it becomes a crime for those who aren't taking steroids.

But fine. If no one is taking to this brilliant plan, I've got another that I'm positive will work. This plan incorporates a way of unveiling who really takes steroids or not. Want to know if Floyd Landis doped his way to a Tour de France victory? Then pay attention, because the answer is all in the cards.

Poker. Many feel that the game involves too much chance and luck. However, professionals, like ten-time World Series of Poker champion, Vijay Dhoorasoo, says "Sure luck has a hand in it, but how you play the cards and your opponents is crucial. It's, like, you know, 99% of the game or something. Now go away, I'm trying to take a shower."

And since lying, or 'bluffing,' has so much to do with the game of poker, it makes sense that the best liar, or 'bluffer,' will come out a winner. Now, how to use that to our advantage concerning steroids. First, we enlist the services of Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown, but tell Dave Foley he has to kill himself before he can host and that Gordon fella has to actually win something for any of us to respect his opinions. Next we invite one suspected steroid user that has adamantly denies he ever used steroids - let's just choose a name at random, ohhhh, Barry Bonds, for instance - and four wild cards that can't have ever possibly taken steroids (some suggestions: Kate Moss, Topher Grace, Manute Bol, the Olsen Sisters, Calista Flockhart, Lara Flynn Boyle, or any other person with anorexia). Sit them all down at a table and "Shuffle up and deal your lies!"

It follows that if the person that is allegedly taking steroids wins, then it's probable they 'bluffed' their way out of admitting their guilt over having using the roids. See that? Suspected steroid users are good liars. Good liars win poker games. If you're a suspected steroid user who wins a poker game, you're guilty as far as I'm concerned.

Other ways to identify denying, suspected steroid users using the "Bluff Model":

• Let them work as a used car salesman. Those guys are skeezy and would lie about anything to sell a car. Hence, if you're a good car salesman, you're a good liar and that equals - a steroid user.
• See how they fare with politics. See how long it takes for a suspect (of steroids) to climb the political hierarchy. Chairman? Could be using. Senator? Most likely using. President? You have to be roided out of your mind.
• How are they as a boyfriend - a sleazy boyfriend. If they can cheat on their girlfriends, but still maintain the relationship, because the chick never finds out, then the dude is using.